Night of the Attack of the Revenge of the Mary Sue
by darkphenixvsURmom
Summary: Ever wonder what happens when a SUPERspecial teenage girl just *appears* in the Ouranverse? If you have, stop. Think. And read this.


It started out as an average day at Ouran High for Haruhi Fujioka. She studiously attended her classes, as per usual. The twins poked her and attempted to pass notes in class, as per usual. She ate her bento lunch in the classroom, as per usual. After school, she headed to the Third Music Room, as per usual.

As she opened the door, and the rose petals swirled towards her (as per usual, of course), she began to get a feeling that something was wrong. She couldn't place it, exactly, so she stepped in.

"OMG IT'S HARUHI!!1one!1" an unearthly shriek rang out. Haruhi covered her ears, completely stunned.

_What could have possibly made that sound?_ she wondered, opening an eye to look around. She saw the Hosts, some customers, and…

And _something else_.

That something else was a girl. But not just _any_ girl. As Haruhi straightened up, she noticed several unusual things about this girl. For one thing, she wasn't wearing the uniform. For another, she was _sparkling_.

"LOL HAY BEST FRIEND!!1one1eleven!1!" it uttered in an absurdly high pitch, running over to Haruhi with superhuman speed and clinging to her arm. Haruhi looked at her incredulously.

The girl on her arm wore a pink kimono-style belly-shirt with purple trim, amethyst slippers, and a ridiculously short purple skirt that looked like it had been attacked by a madman wielding a Bedazzler. It was unusual, Haruhi thought, but was nothing when compared to her other features. The girl's knee-length hair was cotton candy blue with silver and blond streaks. And her _eyes_…Haruhi squinted, trying to make out their actual color. As they were changing colors so quickly, she settled on the term 'green-purple-yellow-gold-blue'. Not to mention her boobs seemed to defy the gravity.

"Um…Who are you?" she asked hesitantly. As the girl took a deep breath to answer, Haruhi regretted her question and braced herself for some hearing damage.

"WELL I AM KIAZARU SPARKLE YUKI BANANA FANA REI REYA PRINCESS LILANDRA and I am comming from anuther dimension lol!!1 LOL but we are leik ttly BFF 4ever because 1 tiem I rescued you when you wer little with my AMAZING strenghth KIAZARU LILANDRA and we are best frieds 4 SURE 4EVARRRRRR don't you remember?! OH and I also crossdress at Ouran and am Host jus like you only not today because today is NOT CROSSDRESSING DAY lol!!111one! ALSO ia m like ttly a Avatr lol magik!"

(AN OMG Kiazaru Lilandra is MYNE character mIEN if u STEEL I kIIL U OMG!! She is very beautiful BEAUTIFUL and she is tall and strong but has curves in all the wright places was a D34 with a small waist stunning legs, a beautiful BEAUTIFUL smile and marvelous personality! MINE!)

Haruhi, relatively sure her ears were bleeding, took a moment to process this information before responding.

"I don't think we've ever met, actually," she said, rubbing at her temples, "Also, how can we be best friends if you just came from another…_dimension_?"

The glittery façade of Kiazaru Sparkle Yuki Banana Fana Rei Reya Princess Lilandra slipped for a moment, her face twisting into a confused look.

"U don't rememember how we are the BESTEST of freunds??" she asked, narrowing her eyes, which were now a purplish-red. Haruhi frowned nervously and shook her head.

"LOLOLOL OH silly haruhi lol even though Im from a magical alternate dimension, I visited all of you with my MAGICAL powurs!!one! and I always was in host club and Tamaki is in love with me but Kyouyas my BOYFIREND RLLY! lol so thers SO MUCH DRAMA and then the twins are my 2 friends from the OTHER dimensions boyfriends and-"

As Kiazaru Sparkle Yuki Banana Fana Rei Reya Princess Lilandra carried on, Haruhi looked around her to see the rest of the Host Club. She saw Tamaki, Hikaru, Kaoru, Mori, and Hunny standing rather closely together, looking a bit weirded out. And where was Kyouya? Sparkle-pants Lilandra's supposed boyfriend was nowhere to be seen.

Haruhi edged away from the iridescent Kiazaru, who continued to obliviously expound her own amazingness, and approached the other Hosts.

"What's going on here? What's with that girl?"

"We don't know," admitted Kaoru, "It just appeared in a puff of pink smoke and sparkles and-"

But before Kaoru could finish his sentence, there was a loud bang, and another puff of unusually-colored smoke, this time a deep blackish-purple that at the same time managed to look fiery.

"It was just like that!" he exclaimed in horror, pointing that the smoke, from which something was emerging.

The creature that emerged from the smoke turned out to be a girl. But not just _any_ girl. She, like Kiazaru Lilandra, had some unusual features. Haruhi sighed slightly. This was going to be a weird day, even by Host Club standards.

"OH NO YOU ARE NOY KYOUYAs GF KiAZARU LILANDRA!!one!" shouted the newcomer, who threw her ankle-length black hair with natural red streaks over her shoulder in a spunky manner, "I kno this because I, KYAPI KYAPI GYARU, am hes gURRRRlfriend and nothing can ebver come between our LLLOOOOOVE because it is real and FOREVER and it is beautiful KAWAII DESU and special and LOOOOOVE that is _FOREVARRRRR_!!BUT ALSO I DATE Twins AT SAME TIME Bcause they all love me so much so I can't choose!!"

(AN OMG Kyapi Kyapi Gyaru ist MYNE character is is beautiful and tal and she has long LONg Har and it is shiny and beautiful and she has BEAUTIFUL red eyes that are sumtiems pink but only when she happy and she wears the uniform onlt its black and split into 2 pieces like to show off her midriff and she wears HIGH HEELs with stielletos and her makup is BRIGHT RED lipstick and beautiful blue eyeshadow like AWESOME lol!)

Kiazaru Sparkle Yuki Banana Fana Rei Reya Princess Lilandra looked at Kyapi Kyapi Gyaru. Kyapi Kyapi Gyaru looked at Kiazaru Sparkle Yuki Banana Fana Rei Reya Princess Lilandra.

Haruhi wondered for a moment whether or not it'd be worth it to try to logically sort this out. As a third, _aquamarine_ puff of smoke appeared with the sound of trumpets blaring, she decided against it.

"HOLD IT RIGHT THER you bakas!!eleven! I AM DYAMOND FUSHIGIYUGI and _I_ date twins!! I Kno this because when we wer little we wer the best of friends I AND ONLY I CANTELL THEM APART! I can do it ALL the TIMES and ebven befor Haruhi and they lik me better than Haruhi and I am ther REAL toy and they only like Haruhi Bcaus she remind them of ME who is DYAMOND FUSHIGIYUGI ! IT IS REAL and BETAUFUL!!"

(AN OMFG DYAMOND FUSHIGIYUGI!! HER HAIR SHINES WITH THE LIGHT OF A THOUSAND SUNS! HER EYES ARE SPECTACULAR AND SHE Has an OURGLASS FGURE!! MINE! BEAUTIFULLLLLLL!!1)

"We've never met you before," Hikaru said flatly, looking at Dyamond Fushigiyugi.

"STFU yes you have!" she snapped, before turning her glare back to Kiazaru Sparkle Yuki Banana Fana Rei Reya Princess Lilandra and Kyapi Kyapi Gyaru, "U ALL R liars!"

"STFU HORE u r LIAR!" replied the ever-glittering Kiazaru, lifting her hands above her head in what seemed to be preparation for battle.

"NO, UO R LYERS!" screamed Kyapi Kyapi Gyaru, pulling a samurai sword from nowhere.

Haruhi stepped back.

"At least none of them have come directly after me yet," Tamaki said with a touch of relief in his voice.

Almost as soon as he uttered those words, at least 5 differently colored puffs of smoke popped into the room, accompanied by spunky, high-voiced, and improbably proportioned girls.

"I R Shinysparkles Dragongirl and I am TAMAKIs girlfriend 4EVER!"

"I M ECHO SILVERSTARRRR and I am slept wit Tamki wen we wer in middle skool and he told me he would ALWAYS LOVE ME and we are married!"

"I am Elle TOUS-LES-MONDE I JUST TRANSFER and I hab known taamaki in France and am his long lost cousin and our love is FORVER!!"

"MY NAME is KITKAT-chan and Tama-chan is my FIANCEEEEEEE and we are in LOVE LOVE!!"

"WELL i am kaori Abanishuwashi i JUST transfer after my fambly get ded and I r DATE ALL OF HOSTS!!1"

(AN OMFGWTFBBQ Shinysparkles Dragongirl + ECHO SILVERSTARRRR+ Elle TOUS LES MONDE+ KITKAT+ Kaori Abanishuwashi R ALL MIENMINE CHARRY!! HAIR!! EYES!! POWURS!! AMAAAAZZZINGGGGGGG!!)

The situation quickly deteriorated from that point. As the continually appearing girls began to fight over who was correct, Haruhi looked to the Hosts.

"What now?" she asked, more than a bit annoyed at the goings on.

"Um, not sure," replied Hikaru, who was watching Kiazaru Lilandra sparkily bitchslap Echo Silverstarrrr, "This, er, looks like it go on for a while."

Kaoru nodded in assent, almost mesmerized by the scene of violence before him, "Guys, I'm pretty sure they're breaking some laws of physics over there."

"That's because they're Mary Sues," said Mori unexpectedly.

Haruhi sighed and shepherded the Hosts behind a table that had been upturned in Kyapi Kyapi Gyaru's spunky attack on Dyamond Fushigiyugi. At this point, she didn't even want to know exactly what a Mary Sue was.

"It's probably a good idea just to hide out here and hope the problem passes," she said firmly, "If we're lucky, they'll be so preoccupied with fighting each other, they'll forget about us."

After several hours, the previously missing Kyouya walked calmly into the Third Music Room with a group of his family's private police armed with special flamethrowers. Quite literally, they opened fire on the Mary Sues and they all disappeared into puffs of brightly colored smoke. The Host Club returned to normal.

Or, it would, if the fan fiction community would stop writing Ouran Suefics DEAR SWEET GOD THE PAIN THERE ARE SO MANY.

EVERY TIME YOU WRITE AN OURAN SUEFIC, 15 PERCENT OF READERS EXPERIENCE BRAIN HEMMHORAGING. WHICH KILLS THEM. A LOT.

So please, before you write a Suefic, think.

For the children.


End file.
